What could be more exciting than getting a phone call from Santa? Not much, because Santa phone calls are one of the highlights of the Christmas season. However, if you are into the physical world of shopping, there is one thing that comes close. Black Friday is the one day of the year that you can actually get away with some of the most aggressive shopping techniques known to woman. This includes the toe stomp, the shopping cart shove, and the escalator rail slide into a crowd maneuvers that have been developed specifically with this event in mind. Here are some tips to read to gain the edge, hold the upper hand, or just survive the perils of … BLACK FRIDAY!
To conquer the beast, first, you have to understand the beast. Black Friday is the first shopping day of the year that retailers look forward to as they slash the prices of last year's merchandise. They open early and close late. Women flood the stores in hopes of getting the best deals and will shop until midnight when the very last store closes and the event ends. Emergency rooms are flooded, fire homes are emptied, and some husbands huddle by the phone eating peanut butter sandwiches and waiting for the call that their wives are okay.
The key to survival is one of aggression and any woman who has ever participated can tell you that a good offense is a great defense. One way to get what you want is to take one of the many training course offered before the sale to show women how to play the game like a man. There are elbow crushes to the ribs, leg trips, and judo body throws being honed as early as August in anticipation of the upcoming sale My personal favorite is the grab the glasses off of your competitor and crush the lens under your heel, or the slide Down the escalator rail and hurling your body into the crowd below, regaining your feet quicker than a wink to get a heads start.
You will rarely see a man participate in this sales event called black Friday unless he is wearing a cup and a helmet. Instead, we sit outside with the motors running, ready to make a mad dash to the next store and sale. While we wait, we practice bandaging techniques with our Black Friday emergency first-aide kits and keep our fingers crossed and Bibles open. If it is a big store or Mall, we have everything prepared including food and beverage, much like a pit stop at the Daytona 500.
While the tactics vary as to how you handle yourself, there are unwritten rules that every woman instinctively knows and abides by. These are simple rules like no guns, no knives, or no weapons period with the exception of various items already in the store. Profanity is allowed and in some cases encouraged but the most lethal weapon in a woman's arsenal is her cunning and trickery. It is amazing to see how many women show up with pregnant bellies that were not pregnant the day before. I personally witness five women get out of a car in the parking lot and with pillows from the trunk, suddenly become pregnant before entering. When they did, a couple of dozen men, me included called or texted the information to our shopping wives complete with a description of what they were wearing.
My wife used one tactic I had never seen before and quite frankly, I believe it was improvised on the spot. Being one of the first people at the store and first in line to get in, she grabbed the employee's arm and snatching the keys from his hand as he unlocked and opened the door, flung his body into the crowd of hysterical, sales crazed women. She promptly locked the doors behind her, blessed the locked out crown with two good morning fingers, one from the middle of each hand, and proceeded to go shop with a twenty-minute head start before someone else figured out what had happened and located the Manager with another set of keys. The original door-opening employee remained cowering under a car long after the doors were reopened. I have never seen him there since.